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Friday, 25 May 2012

When it rains, it pours..

              Hey yo guys.. M learning to rap...No kidding..I can't rap anything..M hopeless..Really..Urghhh..I feel like jumping of a cliff or something...Why? My results came out and they sucked..Big time..Quite shocking actually..I was expecting something else..Uh..they say it right..'Don't expect' :|


Still..I think I will survive..Have to anyways..Punch the bastards and the bitches right in the face.. :D (quite rebellious..isn't it? :P )

You know what? M not hopeless..I think. No I am..I forgot what I had to write.. :P :|



            So here I am waiting for my law results and preparing for other exams..I wanna clear the examinations to get into Corporate(as I told you earlier) but my Dad wants me to clear the exams for Judicial Services so that I may apply and become a Magistrate, Judge or something..:\ I don't want to..He's not forcing me..But wishes that it would be my first priority..aaaaaaaaaaa!! :\ Maybe you don't find it a big issue..I do though..M simply not the kind who will follow your words..Or if I do..trust me..I'll do it WITHOUT thinking..:| And I've always regretted this..It's like..You know..They say something..I'll do it without a second thought and then I'll be like.."What the......" Yeah..-pouts- I do things sometimes without using the human RAM..:| Sarcastic..are we today? Still..it is an issue I'll decide after four years at least..So..-sigh-



           It's so darn boring these days you know..And the worst of all, I fractured my foot...Yeah...How? See..I was going to the city's busiest market that has all the shops C-R-A-M-M-E-D even in the smallest space they find. My dad and I decided that we'll take my two-wheeler instead(it would be easier et al) and I sat behind him cross-legged. So anyways..In the sun that was trying to subdue us(mind you, it succeeded) we ventured out(it was only 11 in the morning and the sun was being merciless). There was this, ummm, narrow passageway in the market.. Dad decided to drive in it on the 'free useless suggestion' of a shopkeeper. Both my dad and I were looking on our right side. We didn't notice but there was a vehicle parked on the left side..And it was parked as though the owner owned the passageway :\ My foot got cut by the vehicle's engine and I yelled(I don't usually do that..I mean Yeah..Okay..But not THAT much..okay? ) So..You know..dad stopped and looked at it. It was only a kinda small scratch but it was like..On fire..Honestly. So till the time the shopkeepers got a chair for me and some Dettol(antiseptic) (it was hardly two minutes) or something I looked at my foot and it became the size of a football. So..We moved form one city's end to the other to find out that I had fractured my foot :|


And I had to leave the city next day..Sob.. :'( No no..I mean I had to go out for a vacation.. :( All cancelled..:\ So yea..They say it right.."When it rains, it pours."



        Anyways..I need to tell you this. I went to a nearby mall just the day before the catastrophe fell on me. When my friend and I came out, I saw a little kid outside the mall's gates. He was plump, messed up hair, wore a ragged tee and shorts, and had inquisitive eyes. I saw him and..You know..There are sometimes when you just stare and stare-it was mine. Yeah..No doubt he was darn cute..(For all the cheapos out there..No..I don't go for 'fishing' in the malls' especially kids -rolling eyes- I have had enough instances that I need to make even this clear..-disgusting-.. In fact I dislike the girls who giggle and adore a random stranger who might be just a good for nothing hopelessly useless guy..just for his looks..-scoffs- ) But right then and there, I just forgot. There was something about him that made me want to stop and talk to him and I did. I offered him an ice cream..And I was shocked..Yeah..Shocked..When he said "No.." I mean the kids these days who are made and trained to beg, he looked one of them and he said no. I was confused. My friend offered him some money-No. Then he asked for something I never imagined a kid(of about a twelve year old) would ask. He asked for books! Yeah..The thing we all try to run away from..How tired and frustrated we become when our parents or elders ask us to study or something...And the little kid was asking for the same. It made me realize the kind of privilege we are getting by education and what is expected of us in the near future. I obviously had none at that moment, but I asked my friend to run to the bookstore in the mall and get something till I was with the kid. His name was Sonu..And very shyly he said, " Aap bohot achi ho(You're very good)"..I smiled and made him have ice-cream till my friend got a book. The light that shone in Sonu's eyes were..Inexplicable. I was happy to do something good for a kid. And..No..I am not boasting..Its just something that made me realize the value of something that we would gladly throw away, not realizing that we do have something to do, some future to look for, something the others who are not so lucky are looking forward to.."With great power comes great responsibility." Amen.


       So yea..Back to my life..It is as boring as EVER..(and with a broken foot being single can be a punishment)..Hmphh..I mean yeah..What can my friends do when m locked up in the house for a month..Obviously nothing..I was just suggesting the one of them to kidnap me..:P Sob..:'(



            So I think..For once..M missing something in my life..Something that is important..Something I can't figure out(or as My friend says..I don't want to)..Maybe it is the result of my tension..Or whatever..But...Yeah..I want to laugh like I did...Be comforted by someone..Be happy without any 'free package of sufferings and new set of problems'.. I want to have the kind of guy who knows me the way I am.. Not expecting me to fall in love with him, I want him to be with me, take care of me..be friends or..You know..Kind of dating thing..A little mature and fun all the same..but still..Not in LOVE.. Is that too hard?
Moreover, I am going through such a phase of my life where I seem to be questioning my own answers or maybe am without anything to think about or say about. It is a kind of time where, when people want my aid in their problems, I am not able to come up with much help. Mann..This is frustrating...Very...



                   There's a friend of mine. Once, we were like..The best pals ever. We have been friends since the time I stepped in the school. Till my high school years, we were going great and all, so much so that people thought(they think a lot and a load of trash and the usual rubbish, the first though that come's to every cheapskate mind-rolling eyes-) that we were having an affair or something.. But it was never like that. We both considered each other as brother and sister, and me being then a little more stupid, he was there half the time, telling me what to do and what not. I found it cute then. But after that..I went through my life's such phase that it changed every single damn thing, including me. So anyways, he had this girlfriend who had super duper problem with me and my friendship with him, spread things about me(cheap things mind you), sent me hate mails and what not. Just for my friendship with him, I bore it all. He made fun of me, but then he was always like this. But as I said, things had changed...It pricked me when he did so in front of a group of batch mates. So then..Many many things happened...And the last straw was when we were driving side by side and he drove his bike through a muddy pool in such a manner that it splashed all over my denims. That was it. I drew back, even to save his relationship.


                       Months later, recently, he confessed that he had certain feelings for me that was above a best friend or a brother sister relationship, that I had become his life and all that and that I should forgive him. All of a sudden people were approaching me, recommending him and saying that I should forgive him and say yes. And I am sure he follows my blog..So mate..Listen..I have changed. I don't want a serious relationship I want to enjoy each and every moment of my life..I want someone to take care of me, yes, but I am not handicapped that I need someone right now. I am okay and I love being independent. I hate being dependent of someone, telling him EVERY damn second what I am doing and where was I and what I will do, especially when its a 'relationship'. Now, I am 100% sure that that sort of attention would bug the hell out of  me. You said I am your life, I am sure you said that to the girls who were before me too. Yeah..I want someone whom I can trust, who knows my situation and can relate to it..Would be okay if I hang out with him being as good as best friends and as great as being in a relationship..But still..Being single...You are the best guy I have ever found and I am glad I found you and came to know about a guy like you. You've been the sweetest thing, helping me whenever you could, never an ounce of ego in you when you said sorry to me a million times..And honestly? I have forgiven you..I had way before you apologized. So please..Don't justify what you did..Love makes one do craziest and the shittiest things..And I understand that completely. But try and understand why I want you to forget me and live your life..I am not the kind of girl you deserve..(I'm sure your friends are abusing me and saying that how could I do this to you..I'm being cruel and all) I'll hear it all..Because I know I am saving you. Try and understand this. The girl you knew through and through? Its been quite some time that she's no more. I don't want you to get hurt..You've already been through a lot..I won't be able to deal with anythings serious now. I mean I can, and I want to..but not that serious..Okay? I know the intensity of your feelings dear..And I AM NOT WORTH IT. I know things are not 'forever'.
As for being friends..I need time..Because after the things my friendship with you bore, the tough times it saw, the times when you ridiculed me in front of anyone..It ties a knot deep down and it'll take sometime to undo it. This was the only way I could explain you. I don't wanna meet you or talk on phone, cuz m dying of guilt-the pain I am giving you...But I want to save you from further of nonsense. And anyways..With your feelings..things are bound to get awkward..I don't want that..



 Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure. ~ Oprah Winfrey

Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love? ~ Leo Buscaqlia




            

             

     

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